The Laws of the Universe

Nobody would ever accuse me of being superstitious but there seems to be some sort of ritual in the world — laws of the universe — that say the minute I leave for vacation, my Sacramento real estate business will explode. Just like when you wash your car it will rain, even if the sky has been bright and sunny for months on end. Or, when you buy four cases of cat food, your cat will suddenly decide she is no longer interested in dining on that brand, thank you, very much.

We haven’t even unpacked the giant boxes from Chewy.com that are sitting in our living room before Tessa has decided she is much more interested in the new wet cat food being laid out like a smorgasbord for Pica than she is in devouring her existing brand. The problem is us, actually. We spoil her to no end and then we complain about it. She shows a preference for a certain flavor, and what do we do? We buy her tons of roasted chicken and shredded beef, even if we have to special-order the food. It’s the laws of the universe.

All I can add in our defense is thank goodness we don’t have children. I hate to think how we would undoubtedly ruin their lives and turn them into ungrateful, sniveling little jerks, who think the world revolves around them. And it would be all our fault.

At least our household members know who runs the house around here. It’s the animal kingdom. They have taken over our lives. It’s not a coincidence when you smooth a cat’s face back with both hands that you find an alien grinning back at you. That’s because unpredictable cat behavior is an oxymoron, part of laws of the universe.

If I could only get them to take listings and negotiate purchase offers, they’d earn their keep around here. As it is, I suspect they keep my blood pressure down, no matter how stressful the situations during the day, I can always stop what I’m doing to pet the cats and interact. To counteract the laws of the universe, I suppose I could knock on wood or throw salt around the room or spit 3 times, but the cats wouldn’t appreciate it. It’s best just to pet them and utter soothing words to put a smile on their little alien faces.

I challenge you. Take your cat and put the cat in your lap facing you. Place your palms over your cat’s ears and push the skin toward the back of your cat’s head, like maybe you wanted to see what a face lift would look like on your cat and voila. Alien.

P.S. The insulin injection I had to give to Pica this morning went smoothly and without incident.