The Housewives of Homes in West Sacramento

The names and places in this story have been changed to protect the innocent, and it did not really happen in an HOA like The Rivers at West Sacramento, but that’s as good as place as any to depict the true events. Because it could have happened there, even though it didn’t. If you’ve ever lived in a community with restrictions and come into contact with unreasonable homeowners who have chiseled the 10 commandments of the HOA onto their dining room wall, you’ll probably recognize some of the emotional content.

There I was, sitting in a chair on rollers at the nail salon in Land Park, drying my manicure at the station under fans and purple blacklights. My bluetooth jangled and I carefully reached up with one wet finger to depress the button and greet the caller. I barely got my name out before the woman on the other end of the phone began screeching the address of one of my listings, let’s say it’s in the West Sacramento gated community, The Rivers, but it’s not. I have a couple listings there, but this is not either.

My first reaction was to tell her the home is in escrow, which it was. Sometimes I don’t admit that fact that right away, especially if it’s a buyer calling to inquire about a property, because if the home is pending I might have another home that would work or be able to locate another like it. I don’t want potential buyers to hang up without talking with me a little bit so I can get better acquainted with their needs and perhaps help. But this woman was not one of those. I could tell by the way she screeched and the hostility in her voice. She was definitely on the rampage.

Well, she announced that she didn’t give a rat’s patootie that the home was in escrow. She lived behind my listing in West Sacramento and was calling about the #*#%(@! camellia trees in the back yard. The woman who was sitting next to me edged a bit further away because I imagine she could hear my caller screeching and probably thought somebody was dying. What was wrong with the camellia trees? Usually irate neighbors call to yell about camellia flowers falling in their yards because maybe they think the real estate agents should be standing in the back yard holding out nets to catch errant tree waste before it blows over the fence.

After much hoopla, her problem seemed to be that her gardener proposed that perhaps my seller’s camellia tree roots were invading the yard and interfering with the neighbor’s sprinkler system. One of her sprinkler heads broke and she immediately pointed her well manicured finger at her neighbor. Not only that, she hissed, but she called The Rivers and the HOA told her that camellias are not allowed under association rules. So, Miss, what are YOU gonna do about THAT? I can stop your closing of escrow.

She doesn’t possess that power. I let her know I would contact the seller and asked if the number she was calling me from was the best number for the seller to reach her. This released even more rage. What? She thought I was the seller. Wow. But I was not the seller; I was just the West Sacramento real estate agent. No, she spit, the number on my phone is NOT the number the seller should use. The seller should call her cellphone. I asked if she could please call me back and leave her cellphone number on my voicemail, explaining that I could not write it down at the moment.

More yelling.

Was I on Candid Camera? I glanced around the salon.

Listen, seriously, I pleaded, I am at a nail salon with my wet nails under a dryer, and I cannot write down your cellphone number; I’m sorry.

Well I am in my kitchen drinking coffee, she retorted, and I’m just as busy as you are!

What is this, Housewives of West Sacramento? She promised to call me back in 15 minutes but did not. It’s too bad you can’t physically slam down a cellphone or she would have done it. People. Sometimes they are their own worst enemy.